sunday night

It’s a Sunday night and I’m trying to frame in my mind what I want to write. But it’s difficult. And I don’t want this post to be just another “depressing rant from a young thirtysomething emo dunce” either. But I’m definitely having problems wrapping my head around all the shit that I’ve created for myself.

WS texted (obviously seeing as she never calls) that the no-response I wrote about was due to her incredibly busy schedule, texting that “it hasn’t been intentional. I just have a lot going on right now.” She also said that had she foreseen the separation and move out from her child’s father’s place, she would’ve postponed her initial contact. She also said her silence hasn’t been a result of my words, just the chaos on her end.

I appreciated her responses but the more questions I get answered, the more frustrating this experience becomes. Fourteen years have passed – I know very, very little about her now. It feels as if I’m some extra, a barely noticeable figure in the background.

Earlier tonight I texted her, asking her for a motive — if one even exists —  for contacting me in the first place. Probably not the best form of questioning, but I need to know, I don’t know, the premise for this strange occurrence.

And then there’s GF. She was out of town, visiting some friends down south. Her absence and now renewed presence are barely indistinguishable. I feel so closed off from her, from everyone. It’s as if my actual reality is occurring in my head – I exist as a real figure in a fantasy. And what’s that fantasy? I don’t even think I know.

“All I Need” ranks high among my favorite Radiohead songs because its lyrics resound with me like few other.

I’m the next act waiting in the wings
I am an animal trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I’m a moth who just wants to share your light
I’m just an insect trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you because there are no others

It’s all wrong
It’s all right

“I only stick with you because there are no others” perfectly articulates my relationship with GF. She would deny that, but I would suspect such a response.

Today was rough though. I drank far too much last night and barely made it to bed. Woke up feeling like shit at noon. Binged on shit-Taco Bell. Slept for a couple hours. Woke up and bought some Ben & Jerry’s. GF comes home and I’m less than welcoming. An asshole. A son of a bitch.

Facebook depresses the shit out of me. The whole social media thing can be an intimidating threat to those with few contacts, few friends. “Bobby Todd” has 189 friends and fourteen of them commented on the status update he posted just five minutes ago. Their albums of digital photographs of parties, smiles and beautiful weather.

But if GF indeed believes that our relationship is OK, then I’m obligated to tell her about the WS situation (if it even deserves being called a “situation”). If I told her I have little doubt she’d end everything. I don’t know. Maybe she’d demand no more contact with WS and we remain together. I don’t know.

That’s all for now.

t/c/m

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~ by the coordinates of memories on 16 May 2011.

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