again

A couple days ago I wrote about WS leaving her “less-than-adequate” baby’s father. I haven’t heard from her since.

A text message got no response.

A phone call got no answer.

A Facebook message got no reply.

All I wanted to know was how the move was going, any difficulties – I was concerned. That’s it. Nothing from her. And apparently nothing again. Ever.

Looking back, my communication was absurd and assertive. Approaching delirium. Don’t get me wrong, I said nothing explicit, but my flirtatious demeanor was evident. I couldn’t stop – and, honestly, I found no reason to stop doing so because her exchanges frequently echoed mine.

But it’s over. Which is fucked up because for “it to be over,” it has to first begin.  And there was nothing. What was there to expect? We hadn’t spoken in 14 years – we’re grown adults now (and she has a young child).

I’ve mentioned of the daydreams, the fantasies in which we’re together and—I don’t even want to think again of my thoughts, my words because their end result accurately summarizes how, generally speaking, I’ve fucked up practically every relationship/association in my life, especially when a female is involved.

I suppose the most upsetting aspect of this whole thing is that I can’t comprehend it. Literally. I don’t know what to make attempting—um, pathetically attempting to reestablish something that essentially existed for one summer several years ago while simultaneously struggling with troubling feelings about my three-year relationship with GF.

How exactly does this happen to someone like me? A man who’s had very few relationships, never mind serious relationships, in his 32 years of existence.

GF clearly knows something is bothering me. All I’ve told her is that I’m going through “a time,” which is a euphemism for a “depressed period,” or whatever the appropriate clinical title is, which is something that happens to me several times throughout a given year. And to be honest, I’m not sure which began first: the slow, downward decline, or WS’s contact. I’m in the midst of something that’s draining me and pushing black thoughts into my brain.

There’s much more writing I want to do about this, more psychoanalyzing because this recent event has made me confront a clear opposition that exists between two parts of my personality. Something that’s existed for several years now.

When necessary, I revert to a manipulative, selfish… thing.

And then there’s another part of my personality that’s compassionate, caring – a good, decent human being.

The task of reconciling (if that’s even possible) these polar opposites has never been more clear than now. And this worries me. Especially the dark part: the controller, the calculator

t/c/m

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~ by the coordinates of memories on 12 May 2011.

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